Wisdom is often mistaken for imprudence. Rationality for insanity. Hopefulness for ignorance. And optimism, as in my case, for pessimism.
One thing that appears mysteriously intriguing to me is the look of bewilderment when I say that I can’t do the thing that people, purportedly expect me to do. And what follows next is the barrage of some highly probable and monotonous questions: Why so cynical? Why this self-belittling? Why don’t you believe in yourself?
Okay, first of all- I do believe in myself, I do trust myself, but not for those things that the world expects me to do. And secondly, When I say that I can’t do a specific thing, that DOESN’T always mean that I am being despondent or am selling short of myself. What people label as ‘self distrust’ or pessimism is often the truth that I have tried to hold back for perhaps, too long. When I say that I cant fulfill the imposed task, that means that I don’t want to do it and THAT, is because I really can’t. And that, is because for the first time, I am trying to pull those scrambled bits of truth together that reflect that I am not meant to conform to their misconstrued standards of ‘optimism’. At least I am not trying to cajole myself into believing that I can do all those whatever’s, because I know that I can’t. And I because I know that I wouldn’t. And because I don’t want to.
And yes, not everybody sees what I see.It might be a case of some revolting negativity for them, but ask me, that’s everything I need to wipe out the dilemmas and distress that I am grappling with. For it is that sheer ‘negativity’ that could propel me to tread on the ‘other’ path. The one which would conform to my standards of living.
This is how I see myself- an emerging optimist, or a fading pessimist.
Or maybe, a negative optimist.