Envy is a vicious sin, I couldn’t escape its clutches. My acquaintances, colleagues, other people I know seem to soar higher in their personal as well as professional space; and there I was, struggling to make a dream come true. It is human tendency to feel that others are in a better position than yours. It is an irony then, that despite knowing all this, I felt myself lagging behind. I consoled myself by thinking that my time will also come; when my sacrifice will pay off. I put all my energy into that one single goal I had in mind. Nothing else should matter to me.
The stakes were high. There were times when in despair, I used to feel asphyxiated. My life had become a potpourri of various emotional outburts; I used to feel highly elated when my scores were good and shattered to pieces when they were not up to my expectations. I kept pushing my expectations higher and higher and so my frustration levels kept on increasing. It is easy to go from 90 to 95, a bit arduous to increase it to 98 and then the real battle starts. It takes a great effort to make it 99 and then sagacious and scrupulous dedication to cross the magic digits 99.5
Every mock I took was a battle for me; at the end of which I was either in the dark terrains of despair or burst into euphoria. My behaviour and my demenour took a drastic turn: from a gleeful personality to a bored frustrated erratic person. People close to me noticed this and advised against turning into such a persona. They were right. This kind of personality is never appreciated in social circles. But I couldn’t make them understand what I was going through. I was like a person dying of thirst in an ocean. At times, I needed to empty my heart, I needed to shout but I couldn’t.
Till this point, I had almost ended my contact with many of my friends. My relationships with my closed and dear ones also started bearing the brunt of my idiosyncrasies. I started feeling that I am turning into a psycho.
My parents kept motivating me. They were equally worried about my future. They kept on iterating that famous theoretical quote from Gita:: “karm karo, phal ki chinta mat karo” whenever I was tensed; and my mind replied with the practical lyrics of Linking Park; “..in the end, it doesn’t even matter”. I never said this though knowing that my parents would come up with one more quote from the religious text.
Is it worth all this?
Probably yes, probably no; depends on your perspective and the result of the most coveted and luck-dependent management entrance test of India. Whatever it be, at that point I was completely lost in the darkness of the abyss.
( to be continued)
First part link:
https://www.pagalguy.com/news/my-journey-into-abyss-a-18057366/