At the outset I would like to warn all those who are going to read this below-average-boring piece of article- this is not about an extra ordinary guy, facing extra ordinary problems and coming out with extra ordinary results. Like the person who is writing it, this will be an average story with average English and average accomplishments.
This all started when I was in my second year of engineering, when that angel came into my life (probably the best part of my life, something I would be proud of till my very last breath).
Academically I’ve been a very poor performer, flunked a number of exams while barely managed to cross passing marks in others. Studies have never been my cup of tea; although that is something I never regret. Anyways as a result of my extra- ordinary (X/XII- 82/69- yes this you can call extra ordinary achievement) scholar achievements was made to leave Delhi and went Indore for my engineering.
Then in second year I guess God felt like this-is-enough and introduced that special person in my life. Life turned upside down. All of a sudden I started hating my habits, my routines, my way of life, and my ideas. Damn I started hating everything about me and my life. All of a sudden facts that were earlier alien to me started attracting me. I started thinking about those big TERMS like- career goals, life objectives and stuff. I felt like I was dead all these years and now I have got my life back. Somehow I also figured out that if I really want to have this person (a CA, a scholar, always among the top 3 performers) I need to have something substantial in my life.
Finally I was clear about one of those big TERMS I mentioned earlier- career goal. I was sure MBA it has to be; honestly speaking there were many reasons behind this like my hatred towards GK and technical subjects, my good analytical skills. But the biggest factor was- presence of so many MBA colleges in Mumbai, which meant a greater chance of being with her and at the same time doing some big.
Suddenly I started appearing on radars, all of a sudden a good-for-nothing; meant-to-be-neglected-person started flipping those charts. The day I informed my parents about my decision to do MBA— haha what a day it was. They actually called up my brother asking him to convince me to do something of my level ( my level.. haha.. beta ghar ajao.. koi sarkari exam ki tayari karlo, warna aao koi shop/business dalwa dete hain ). In all this one thing that kept me going was her trust, just one smile on her face- even today I don’t need anything more than that from my life.. every time people laughed at me- she stood there holding my hands.. at times even I felt that I am not doing justice to her by staying together, but she just would not let me go, after all angels are meant for that only
I gave my first CAT attempt in 2012. My target was to score something respectable. And I thought- “what is there to lose, even if I didn’t score it’s not something that is unexpected of me. On the night when CAT result was to be announced my dad said “80% ke as pass bhi le aaya to naak bach jayegi”. Around 3 AM I opened my result. Let me tell you I just sat there staring the screen (as if I saw the biggest monster of my life) for few minutes, before being able to absorb the shock that was lying in front of me.. BANG !!! 96.25.. BOOM !!!! First time in my life it was me calling others to inform them and not the other way round. My first call went to her- and as I said she just knew it. Right then I knew I proved myself. I proved my whole life in this one moment, no matter what others say I just served the purpose of my life. Then I informed my parents.. haha.. bichare raat bhar soye nhi khushi ke mare :P:)
After that usual MBA routine- calls, interviews and stuff. I received a handful of calls that year and converted many of them. Just when I was about to take my decision a thought came into my mind. Is this the best I have got, can I not target something bigger, can I not make her more proud. Finally I decided to repeat CAT. When I said this to my family what a mess it made. My father, brothers, friends and relatives- everyone was against this. And I don’t blame them as well. Owing to my history of failures they were right on their point. But again that hand in my hand told me- you can do it, just fulfill your dreams. Somehow I managed him, well could not manage him but somehow went ahead with my plans of repeating CAT.
I gave CAT 2013. I guess luck decided something else for me. First my leave application got rejected, second just one night before my exam I had my asthma attack; one that took me by surprise. I could not inform my parents otherwise they would have panicked. Fever, breathing problem, cough and cold; scene was so bad that around 4 AM I wasn’t even sure that whether I will be able to sit in my exam or not. I woke up around 7 AM. Somehow I managed to go for my exam. Right there I did one of the biggest mistakes they tell you not to do. I went with a fixed number of question attempts in my mind. Due to the increased difficulty level, my health and mental conditions I lost my confidence and after I could not reach my target in section-1 I made some guessing in English. I thought that either way it’s going to be a failure so why not guessing.
I told my parents that I won’t be able to make it this time. Contrary to what you saw earlier this time they were the ones supporting me ? telling me I will definitely score it. And she was as usual standing beside me. Just smiling and telling me result does not matter to her; what I did matters most. When results came to my surprise even with those low attempts ( they were high for others) I scored 98.xx in first section, and thanks to my guess work I scored 86.xx in second section. Overall- 94.xx… There I was with everyone I knew on this planet laughing at me, teasing me, saying things I never heard before ( bahaut ud raha tha aagaya aukaud me, humein to pehle se hi pata tha phirse fail hoga. Nd stuffs like this). But these sentences didn’t even matter to me because she was there for me ? . Didn’t appear for any interviews, skipped them all. Was forced to go to IMT interview, kept mum in GD (didn’t even say a word). PI was all about taking out my anger on those genuine questions. Then came the worst phase of my life, one that never quite got over. Actually the thing is once you raise your respect level, bigger things are expected from you and what hurts most is to see pain/failure in those eyes. They just kill you with those glances. Depression was at its peak.
Flunked in my exam(for me this score was as good as nothing) , went through one of the biggest family crises of my life, lost my best friend… AND lost my ANGEL. It appeared that god was laughing at me, showing me where I actually belonged. Telling me that these dreams are not meant for you, you moron. That you just don’t belong here. Go back to your place. It felt like my morning got over and it was all again darkness for me. 4 big blows one by one. One of them that I am yet to come with terms. Well I guess since that day I never actually lived my life. I just started doing things that I was good at. I realized that yeah these things are just not meant for me. I don’t deserve this respect, love and care.
I decided that won’t appear in CAT or for that matter in any exam, will resign and will go to a place where I won’t find even a single familiar face. I put down my papers. Then again she came in my life as a savior. And convinced me to continue living my life the way I did it for past 5 years because she always know I won’t do anything that will hurt her. Somehow she convinced me to take back my papers and to appear in CAT one last time..I was doing it all just for her. But I knew I lost myself way back and now it just don’t matter to me. I lost the only reason for which I did it all. I never did it for fame, family, money. All I ever cared about was her smile and happiness. With her gone life just feels like a glass of water in which I, as a cube of ice, am getting lost. I know I will do it all, not for me, but to respect her memories.
Not even a single night goes when I don’t think about leaving it all and going back to my pathetic dark hell life but then this one voice keeps on whispering in my ears. Something she said right before going… “If you really cared for my happiness, if you really want to see me happy, if you really believed in US, don’t destroy the dreams we saw together, just don’t let go of me, fulfill our dreams and you will always have a part of me with you. God !!!!! I just hate these words. But I must say there is something about that girl. Even today she inspires me, makes me do things I never did. If not for her, there is nothing in this world that could have made me do things I am doing. It’s just I can’t see her sad, and I know the least I could do to keep her happy is fulfill her wishes. Thanks to her trust and love, gave a final attempt this year and luckily scored 97.25. I know for many people out there it will be a kid’s play to score this much and they must be feeling so what!!! But it means a lot to me due to my history and my personal reasons. It just means a hell lot to me ? and somehow I know will continue my life like this only. If not for her then for her memories ?
Before you guys make any assumption let me tell you, except 4 people nobody around me even knows her name, let alone our story or my current situation. I never believe in sharing my problems with others, I believe in keeping mum and fighting alone. Then why the hell am I saying it all here!! Right ? I feel that if this story can motivate even a single person out there I would be more than happy. wo kehte hain na “jinke apne sapne pure nahi hote, wo dusron ke pure karte hain“. There would be people out there expecting things from you, putting their blind trust on you, supporting you in your each and every step, standing by your side holding your hands when nobody supports you. Just don’t let them down. Just don’t break their trust. Prove it to them that you are worth it. That you have got it in you.
I remember this sentence I used to convince my dad- that it’s better to
try and fail, rather than regretting my whole life. So what if I give
it and don’t score good, at least I will be happy in my life that finally
I stood for something.. for someone.. and i know i want to have that satisfaction.
I just want to say that live your life before you lose all your reasons to do so. Just realize it before it’s too late (something I never did). Never let go of your dreams. Hold on to them till eternity, one day you will definitely succeed, and that one day you will be proud of your achievements. Don’t let anybody tell you that you can’t do something, until unless you yourself feel so. Just go out there and prove yourselves, not to this world but to those who believe in you, those who stood beside you when everybody left, those who even after going away wish you well, those who even after so many months can’t stop worrying about you.
Have a nice life ahead.
PS: Any grammatical errors are to be forgiven. This is straight from the heart without any edits and that too from a below-average-looser.
PPS: This is my first ever article, so definitely it will be very poorly written and managed. But then I didn’t write it for English or for my expertise ?
PPPS: Any sort of feedback would be more than welcome.
========= Update as on 12/06/2015 ============
Ohk so now this is
officially one of the best ( if not the best) days of my life.
Amidst all uncertainty
and doubts I cleared NITIE Mumbai. This all started
with a simple idea. An idea that was conceived 5 years ago, an idea that would
ultimately began this quest. Idea was to do
something respectable, something that could wash away my past academic sins.
And here I stand today, feeling accomplished and proud. Today when I look back
I feel that all the pain, all the suffering was definitely worth it, and that I
could finally do justice with them and with myself.
For the unfathomable worth it has, I am not
going to let go of this chance. Although I know there is something else waiting for me in
Mumbai but now that I am done with this target, it’s time to set a tougher one
for myself. Let’s see how I perform in this new journey; the one that I just
completed was full of highs and lows (gained and lost so much) and was worth
living for.
And as they always say “Picture abhi baki hai mere dost. Party to abhi shuru hui hai”. Long way to go, but at least now I know which direction to head towards.
Cheers,
Pushkar Malik
NITIE PGDIM, Batch of 2017 ?