Exams went smooth. I hadn’t seen him since two months. Thanks to the Navy. They kept him away on deployment. Today was the day of his return. We were supposed to meet at the deck, our spot. There was joy. Joy that I was going to see him and joy that everything was going on just fine-my career and my love. It was too good to be true.
I usually do not groom. I am not so fond of grooming. “If he has to love me, he has to love me the way I am.”, I told myself,smiling. Fact was I hated grooming. I never asked him. How weird! An hour to go. I started reading the e-mails he sent me(for the nth time). He really knew how to make a girl smile even through distance. It would be a lie if I say I hardly missed him.
I wondered how things had changed since I met him at the party. My life would have been the same- ‘buried in books’ . I missed Me-pre-Sam. I was happy that I met him. No doubt. But I realized every time I was with him, he took something from me-a part of me. Every time I lost a little of me. I had changed. I was no more crude and raw and challenging as I used to be. I believe it was this rawness that was my charm.
My clock stuck 12:00. It was time. I knew he would wait at the deck. But there was something which slowed me down. I did not know what. Part of me was longing to see him, to listen to his voice which always had a tingling effect on me, hear stories of his sea-adventures and to kiss him. Part of me was judging me as the person who had changed for someone.
That was never the plan. I did not see this coming.I did not see him being a part of my life. I did not see myself sharing my life with someone at this stage. I did not know if I was being just to myself. There was a reason to the friend-zoning and the staying away. There was a reason to avoiding exploring this part of me.
I was late. I felt terrible. It was not his fault. He loved me. No strings attached. He simply loved me. Why could I not say that for him? Did I not love him? What was happening to me? Why was I thinking this way?
My phone rung. It was an unidentified weird number. I was used to this. He would call at odd hours from odd numbers because of the strict security measures at the ship.At times he would not tell me anything about his whereabouts, bound by the rules. But I knew it would be him.
“Hey Sammy”, I answered. My heart felt heavy inside me. It was not his voice.